Unicorns and Rainbows

My Perception of My Marriage BEFORE “D-Day” 

"D-Day" stands for "Discovery Day" or "Disclosure Day" or "Day I want to DIE", etc...

Basically it's the day you realized that what you thought was real wasn't. 

Who you thought you could trust you couldn't.

It was the beginning of the longest and hardest journey of my life.

A journey I am still on.

A journey I will probably always be on.

But it's okay because the world of unicorns and rainbows was never real and I wouldn't have found true happiness there.

What lies ahead is more genuine, more authentic, more pure.

Although this journey is ugly and complicated and confusing and painful... the best lies ahead.

Or at least the best ME lies ahead. 

Fake Trustworthiness

Untrustworthy people who fake trustworthiness are the worst.
But it feels really great when they put their lies in writing and get caught.

TRUTH ALWAYS WINS
IT JUST TAKES TIME

Alone in a Marriage

I don't think my husband will ever feel like he is lucky to have me as his wife. 

I don't think he will ever not think he could have done better.

And I get to live with that. But I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to let that be his thing because I feel like part of me beats the hell out of myself for not being enough for him.

This is so hard for me to talk about and it scares me. That's why I'm typing it.

Things with Mr. Wonderful aren't getting better in our marriage. I still see him manipulating me and stretching the truth whether that is through minimizing or exaggerating. He loses  his perspective quickly and will retaliate with pride. He can't admit he is wrong or when he does, he doesn't mean it. I don't feel supported by him in this relationship and I never have. I don't feel like he really wants me to be the best person I can be. He doesn't stand by me and help me grow in a living way, rather he judges me and gets scared when he notices any personal progress I make.

My husband is wonderful at many things. Being a husband isn't one of these things.

UCAP

Alice, be true to yourself and your moral compass. 

Surrender to God and find peace.

Breakdown

This stuff with my little girl is killing me.

I am so helpless in all of this. I feel like things are always “unique” and I can't ever find a place to express my anger. I am not allowed to be mad at "the boy" for touching Bella because he's down syndrome.  I can't be mad at "my friend" who was responsible for Bella when it happened  because we share the same social network. 

But I feel so angry. 
So so angry. 
I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

A Day to Erase

Today my 7 year old daughter was molested. 
The story is long and the details are confusing. 

The 15 year old boy that molested her has special needs. 

It is complicated but it never should have happened. 

It was preventable. 

***UPDATED 12/2015***
As I go back through my writings that I never published my blood boils so much at the entire day. 
I have to edit most of this original entree. 

My daughter is strong. 
She spoke up immediately. 
She talks about things openly. 
She is beautifully healing. 

Ironic Honesty

For so long I have begged for honesty.
No matter how cruel or painful or disgusting or impossible honesty seemed, I begged for it.

As honesty becomes more consistent for Mr. Wonderful it becomes less painful for me.
Currently it is a part of our lives and our marriage.

However, sometimes honesty stings me like the day I found out about Mr. Wonderful's addiction.
It comes out of nowhere and rips my heart apart.

It is so random.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching a video that I am in.
The video was made public today and it is currently on an addiction recovery site.
It exposes Mr. Wonderful and his addiction.
He was more than supportive for me to participate... now that I think about it, he was more excited for me to participate than I was!

Anyway, back to my story.

Today Mr. Wonderful was watching this vulnerable video and afterwards, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he was nervous about finding it and viewing it.

His answer...
An ex-girlfriend.

He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend would find the video and discover that he wasn't the perfect man he led her to believe that he was.
He was concerned that a specific ex-girlfriend may realize that what seemed like a teenage heartbreak, was actually a blessing as the man of her dreams was an addict in disguise.
He was concerned that this specific ex-girlfriend would express a sigh of relief when she realized that  by the Grace of God she was spared major heartbreak and betrayal from Mr. Wonderful.

I beg for honesty and Mr. Wonderful was honest.

And his honesty hurt like hell.