Let’s get
started on the topic of boundaries. I appreciate the questions about
boundaries. I want to cover some basics to set a foundation to create some
healthy really awesome boundaries or tweak some of the ones you may already
have. I am assuming that we all are at various places with boundaries.
What are boundaries?
1. Boundaries are like fences
between neighbors, they define the limits of the relationship. They provide
safety and structure and define engagement that is appropriate or inappropriate
in the relationship.
Boundaries
help us to define how we respond in a healthy or unhealthy way. “I will do that“or
“I will not do that“. “I need this to
feel safe“, “this is OK or this is not OK“. “I am willing or I am not willing
to do that“.
FYI,
these statements can be used for ourselves (internal boundaries) and others
(external boundaries). We will discuss these two types of boundaries below.
The statements
above are all examples of language that can be used to set boundaries.
2. Will you take some time to answer the
following questions?
a.
What
is my position regarding boundaries such as do I feel that I have the right to
create boundaries?
b.
Do
I feel that wanting to create and implement boundaries is a selfish concept?
c.
Do
I feel that setting boundaries can create safety and a healthier way to live
life?
d.
Am
I fearful of the repercussions? Repercussion such as escalation of my spouse’s
acting out behaviors, activation of his defense mechanisms? Will boundaries
create more disconnection and resistance? If so what are these fears?
3. The space we want to be when we
are defining and creating boundaries is in an assertive place. Not passive or
aggressive.
In the
passive position we will appear weak and wishy-washy. In this position we are
likely to be “eaten alive“by spouse, children, or others!
Coming
from the aggressive place we will appear crazy and unreasonable. When our
aggression subsides we will feel stupid and question ourselves.
In the
assertive space we are mindful of our words and our thoughts. We have worked
very hard and have taken time to create simple boundaries. We approach our
significant others in a neutral space with respect. We set up a formal time and
place where we can talk without distractions or interruptions.
We want
to gain confidence that the concept of boundaries is healthy and will create
safety and empowerment.
Overtime,
we become familiar with the unhealthy when we are living with addiction. So
when we make changes that are healthy we feel very unfamiliar and uncertain.
This is normal. As a human being we have the right to feel safe, to be able to
be a creator of an environment of thriving not simply surviving. REMEMBER:
”Boundaries
aren’t something you do to another person.
Boundaries
are something you do for your own self-care,
well-being
and protection.”
4. WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE AND ARE NOT (the
following are some examples):
Boundaries
are to create safety and a space to thrive.
Boundaries
are used to define healthy limits in relationships.
Boundaries
are protection against repeated harm.
Boundaries
give us options.
Boundaries
are not punishments.
Boundaries
are not methods of coercing and forcing behaviors.
Boundaries
are not ways to avoid dealing with pain.
Boundaries
are not used to emotionally disconnect.
5. Let’s discuss two types of boundaries:
Personal boundaries and relational boundaries.
Personal
boundaries
are about how we respond to our self-- meaning when we are triggered how we
emotionally respond and cope; what you will do or won’t do when triggered.
Examples include emotionally disconnected, zoning out or numbing out, we may
punish, or try to control or micromanage the behavior of others. Personal
boundaries allow us to make healthy choices in our responses in the face of
powerful emotional triggers. You don’t share this type of boundary with your
spouse. This is used when we are dealing with people who don’t care to hear
about boundaries or who refuse
Examples
of personal boundary statements:
“I
can choose my responses to his slips or relapses. I do not have to allow my
trauma to control how I respond.”
“Instead
of punishing him for hurting me, I will take care of myself in a healthy way.
When he has earned my trust, I will share with him my feelings and needs.”
I
can decide when and how I begin to trust him again.”
“I
will work on my own recovery, regardless of his commitment to his recovery.”
“Instead
of zoning out and emotionally disconnecting when I am in pain, I will reach out
and share with others in my life who are safe.”
“I
choose not to be responsible for his choices.”
“I
can choose to love and accept myself even when his addiction affects the way I
perceive myself.”
Relational
boundaries are most often set with
the addict, but may also be set with parents, family, friends or kids. Your relational boundaries define
how much physical and emotional space you need between you and others.
These boundaries define how you will respond when others act (or refuse to
act). They keep you safe when others are not ready to keep you safe.
Examples
of relational boundary statements you might share with your spouse in recovery
are:
“Even
if you decide not to stay engaged in recovery, I will continue to do my own
work.”
“If
you act out in your addiction and hide it from me, I will ask you not to sleep
in my bed until I feel safe again with you.”
“I
will feel much safer and more able to trust you if you are attending weekly
12-step meetings. If you choose not to go, I will be limited in my ability to
emotionally connect with you.”
“If
you try to blame me for your choices in addiction, I will let you know that in
our next therapy session together we will discuss my concerns with our
therapist. I will not argue with you about it or defend myself.”
“I
will not engage sexually with you when I feel coerced or when you beg.”
“If
you cannot work toward understanding how your addiction has hurt me, and if you
continue to excuse your behavior, I will move toward separation from you. In
this state of mind, your ‘addict’ self is not safe enough for me to be with.”
IMPLEMENTATION
1.
Decide
on your boundaries — write them down.
a.
Get
feedback for your boundaries before you share.
2.
Share
your boundaries with XXX: “In order to maintain my own safety while you are
working on your recovery, when you __________, I will __________. “
3.
If
necessary, remind him of your boundaries to provide clarity.
ENFORCE
1.
Slow
down, breathe, and quietly decide how you will respond.
2.
Remind
him of your boundary and that your response is about your own emotional and relational safety.
3.
Follow
through with the boundary.
4.
Help
him understand that your boundary is in place until you feel safe
again, and not for a set period of time.
“My boundaries are how I protect myself
When you choose not to protect me.”
Ladies, I hope the information above is
a reminder, starting place, review of boundaries.
Please answer the questions about your
perspective and feelings. To create a boundary, start with a need that you
have; safety, emotional, connection, communication, accountability…… etc.
Decide on the language from the
examples above and below. Make sure you have a consequence … make sure you WILL
enforce the consequence 99.9% of the time.
Before you share or implement please
discuss this with someone safe and who has had some experience with
boundaries….. GET FEEDBACK! Set a time to discuss the boundary.
Here
are some more examples of boundaries:
1)
I have a right to rigorous honesty in my relationship.
Consequence:
If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization) I will
put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation
until such time as I feel secure enough to share a bed again. The
degree of space will depend on the severity of the
dishonesty. During the time when I have my space, I will work on my
own self-healing. [A live-in separation means separate beds and
meals and activities. No sexual intimacy during this time and no
seeing each other naked.] If my husband comes to me with a confession of
dishonesty, I can enforce this boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.
2) I
have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.
Consequence:
If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (hearing his
plans, monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his
needs), I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my
husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care
list and will partake of it. Exception applies to this boundary when
I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.
3) I
have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.
Consequence:
When I feel these specific fears, I will honestly voice them to my husband, my
Savior, and someone in my support circle (preferably my sponsor). In
the case of a loose cannon temper, I will ask my husband to leave. If he
does not leave, I will take the children and leave.
4) I
have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.
Consequence:
If I feel lust in our sexual relations, I will halt any activity going on and
honestly discuss my emotions with my husband. I will not engage in
any intimate activities without prior emotional connection. I will
honor my gut and my emotions as I strive to rebuild a new sexual reality with
my partner. If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether
from my husband or from myself), I will take sex off the table.
5) I
have a right to not be controlled.
Consequence:
If I ever become aware that I am being controlled, I will honestly voice my
awareness and make a stand to choose for myself. If that choice is
disrespected, I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two
nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my
inner sense of self in order to strengthen and fortify my confidence.
6) I
have the right to not be manipulated.
Consequence:
If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me, I will honestly voice my
feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party
educated in sexual addiction.
7) I
have the right to not be objectified.
Consequence:
If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction,
I will create physical space between him and me. Sex will be taken
off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.
8) I
have the right to live with a husband in recovery.
Consequence:
If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop, I will take a break
from the marriage.
9) I
have a right to be equal with my spouse.
Consequence: If
my husband takes on a parenting roll with me, I will physically and emotionally
detach from the situation either by excusing myself or ending the
conversation. If my husband takes a child roll with me, I will leave
the situation to him alone to handle.
10) I have the right to feel
love for more than just my body.
Consequence:
If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction, I will take sex off
the table. If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body, I will
excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately
thereafter choose one item from my self-care list and partake.
11) I have a right to have a
say as to what comes into my home.
Consequence:
If there is inappropriate media in my home, I will turn it off.
