it's not fair

Mr. Wonderful is a sex addict.  

I wanted to do everything in my power to give my kids the best chance they had at not being sex addicts.

So I asked.

I asked Mr. Wonderful what he thought would have helped him better as a child and a teenager.  I asked the professionals what the best things were to help my kids navigate their natural hormones, learn about healthy sexuality, and avoid pornography.  I asked the wives and moms of sex addicts what they thought the best avenues were when trying to talk and teach children.  I asked coaches and bishops and teachers and leaders.  I read books and articles and went to seminars and conferences on the topic.

I learned a lot.

And then came the part where I applied the things I learned. 

We took away the shame as we had/have open discussions about pornography and healthy sexuality.  We talk about natural hormones and what that feels like and what looks like.  We talk about respect and consent and accountability.  We read all of the books that were recommended to us with each child individually (Good Pictures Bad Pictures, 30Days of Sex Talks, Growing Up, etc... {all fabulous books by the way}).  We talked as a family and together set up internet and device filters to help prevent exposures.  We lovingly listen without reacting when our kids do come to us with problems and issues regarding pornography and sex {this one is so hard to do because inside I am SCREAMING in fear}.

WE DO EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT TO DO… and it doesn’t seem to be working.

I find myself feeling a little hopeless, maybe even victim-y.
  
One of my children are struggling with pornography.  Some may even say that he is addicted.  I think that he is addicted.  I can’t believe I am having to go through this as a mom after experiencing it as a wife.  

I just need to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a bit. 

It’s not fair.

Bipolar

This past year things have been difficult and complicated and confusing. I wish I could say that things with Knave have improved, I so wish I could say that. I also wish that writing about my kids and their struggles was easy, it's not... that's why I haven't done it. There is a intuition to protect Knave, I didn't have that same intuition when I wrote about Mr. Wonderful, it was a lot easier to throw everything out there knowing that others were in my same boat and that we were all trying to help and support each other... right now I feel like I'm in my own boat, on my own island, where no one can relate.

Without going into too many details, I will say that things have been escalating with Knave and his extreme mood swings for a long time. It's been hard on the family, it's been hard on me, it's been hard on my other two kiddos, it's just been really hard.

In some ways I feel that I have forgotten to parent with boundaries because Knave can get aggressive and violent so I'm scared into giving him his own way just to keep the peace. It feels like he has hijacked our family.

Everything came crashing down this last week, the police came, the firemen came, the paramedics came. He was suicidal. He was homicidal. They took him away to a behavior facility, he stayed there for a week. I can't express how hard that week was. The mess we had to clean up, the explaining we had to do with our other kids, the anxiety, the fear, the unknown, and the most scary thing was when it was time to come home... what changed? How will things improve? How do I do this?

Knave was re-diagnosed with OCD, we already knew this, but his new diagnosis is bipolar.

Knave is bipolar.

This terrifies me.  What does his future look like?  What does our future look like?  How can we support and help him while keeping our other children feeling safe in their own home?

These are the questions that haunt me. I don't have the answers. We are getting help. We are in therapy, we have a behavior specialist to help Knave at home, we are working with the psychiatrists to get him on the right medication, we are investigating residential treatment facilities, we are doing all we can.

I hope it's enough.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's enough.

I don't know.  Is there anyone out there that can relate?

In all of this, his porn addiction has escalated.  He's taking more risks.  I feel so overwhelmed.

One thing that makes all of the difference is that Mr. Wonderful and I are connected, we are on the same page. Mr. Wonderful works on his recovery everyday and he stays sober and I am so grateful for that because I couldn't get through this without him.

Even in the dark there is light, even if it's tiny.

Peace

Knave is doing better.  

We went through so much with him while we were taking him off of old medication and putting him on new medication.  

That process is over. 

I am so grateful.  

We found the medication that works for him and he is a different person.  Not just a little different but night and day different.  I am so SOOOOO GRATEFUL for the medication but it also scares me how much Knave needs it to function in society.  

What is interesting is that Knave is less tempted to view or seek out pornography.  I am interested by this.  I suppose if his chemicals are imbalanced or things are out of wack {OCD} than medication could help with that. I suppose.

I find myself scared to trust this new normal.  Sometimes it feels like the calm before the storm around here but I am trying to enjoy it and live in the moment.  As a wife of an addict who has been traumatized by lies and secrets and slips and relapses, I find it terribly hard to enjoy the peace but I am working on it.  

Peace is the goal and my house is more peaceful since Knave started his medication and came off the unhelpful stuff.  

Man you guys {for the 3 readers that follow this blog} life is hard.  It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a parent... life is just hard.  But we keep moving right?

Stay or Leave

Sometimes when people hear my story they say, "oh I would NEVER stay around if someone did that to me" or "I would NEVER forgive my husband if the treated me the way yours treated you."  

I think they mean well but sometimes it hurts my feelings or makes me feel a little insecure.  

At times Mr. Wonderful was borderline abusive to me.
Maybe some wouldn't use the word borderline.

I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship if they don't feel safe but I suppose I stayed in an abusive relationship that I didn't feel safe in.  

And yet, I am so grateful for Mr. Wonderful and where he and I am today.  

He's my best friend.
My confidant.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have left, I was so close to leaving.

In the end, I think everyone has a story and every story is different and everyone has the right to do what is best for them.  
Stay.  
Leave.  
It's all unique and there is no universal right or wrong answer for everyone.  

I'm so glad I stayed but I will support anyone who chooses to leave. 

I will also try not to say, "If I was in that person's situation I would do this or I would do that" because honestly, I don't know what I would do and it only hurts the people in those situations when I pretend like I do. 

Let's all love a little harder and judge a little less... especially ourselves.  

A Bikini at Church

We were visiting a different ward on Sunday because an amazing couple we know was leaving on a mission. 

During the meeting we were asked to stand and sing a hymn.  The dad in front of us couldn't stand because his little daughters head was resting on his lap while she napped.

This gave my 13-year old son and myself a perfect view of this man and what he was doing.

He was on his phone.  

Who am I to judge?

He got on Instagram and a girl in a bikini popped up on his feed.

Who am I to judge?  But my son noticed and looked at me.  I kind of shrugged and kept singing the hymn.  

The Instagram feed adjusted to being turned on and the bikini picture disappeared.

We kept singing and the dad in front of us kept scrolling until he found... THE BIKINI PICTURE AGAIN. 

He viewed the bikini photo that had disappeared too soon for his liking.  He even scrolled in to get a better look.

My son looked back up at me and by now I was fuming.  

Here we were at CHURCH. 

Where is the honesty? Where is the example?  Where can a mom and her kids have a break from the worlds agendas and influence?  

CHURCH?????  Nope. 

I looked at my son and said, "I'm sorry you had to see this.  It's not fair and I am sorry that this man, this priesthood leader is being a bad example of the power he holds."  

We kept singing.  

I wanted to reach over and grab his wife and hug her.

After the song I leaned over and told my mom what had happened.  She got even more fired up than I was!!!  She looked at me and said, "I'm saying something to him after the meeting." 

And she did.

She actually walked right up to him and asked if he had a moment.  They sat down on the bench and she told him what had happened.  She told him she wasn't there to judge him only to let him know of the situation he had accidentally put others in.  {but lets get real man, you shouldn't be zooming in at the stuff regardless of where you are}

The dad was uncomfortable and probably really embarrassed.  Our purpose wasn't to embarrass him.  He mumbled around and tried to minimize what he did {"the picture popped up, I didn't know that was going to happen"} but he did apologize.  I was grateful for the apology.

Mostly, I was grateful for my badass mom who was brave enough to say something.  

She was the true example that day.  And her grandson {my 13-year old} knows he's important enough to speak up for.  

What would you have done? 

Suicidal

Today the police came over... AGAIN.

This is the second time in 3 weeks.

Knave found out that he was kicked out of the only thing he is passionate about, the play Fiddler on the Roof, and he is so mad.

He deserves it.

He made a girl feel so uncomfortable that she didn't go to school today.

When I got the call from the vice principal I was in Utah for my cousins wedding.  I was surprised when he told me the things Knave was saying to this poor girl.  It was harassment.

It was sexual harassment.

I am embarrassed and hurt and confused and... this is not about me.

After Knave learned that they were taking him out of the play, he lost it.  He started yelling and cussing and throwing things.  He threw a chair at Mr. Wonderful.  Thank goodness the other 2 kids were outside.

Knave grabbed a knife and locked himself in his room.  He was threatening his own life.  I don't think he's brave enough to take his own life because he doesn't like pain but Mr. Wonderful was scared.

The police came.

The "crisis prevention" team came.

What do we do with him?  What options are there for us?  He is in therapy and group therapy.  He has a psychiatrist and he is on medication.  He is mentally ill... OCD or bipolar, we are still trying to figure this out.

WHAT DO WE DO???

We owe it to our other kids to create a safe place.  They deserve safety.

They are afraid of Knave.  They are afraid to be alone with him.  I don't blame them.  We never leave them alone with Knave.  They don't feel safe at home.

What do we do?

Hyperventilating

Today was hard.

I knew it was going to be.

Mr. Wonderful and I have a rule that if our kids get C's or below, they don't get to play video games. This has never been a problem but with the lack of effort I witnessed Knave putting into his school work this semester, it was inevitable.

And the day we found out that he got a C was today.

What makes me crazy is that these rules have been set in stone for as long as I can remember so when Mr. Wonderful picked up the boys from school and Knave announced that he got a C "but it was just barely a C so can I please PLEASE PLEASE still play my video games?" and Mr. Wonderful, instead of enforcing our already-set-boundaries answered, "we will have to ask you mom" it makes me want to pull my damn hair out.

Now I'm the bad guy for following through with our rules and boundaries.

"Dad would have let me it's just YOU, YOU RUIN MY LIFE."

"I HATE YOU"

"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD"

"GO KILL YOURSELF"

"YOU'RE A BITCH"

It was the "bitch" comment that sent Mr. Wonderful on a dead sprint towards Knave.

Then Knave took a swing and it all went crazy.

I cried.

Like the hyperventilating, I can't catch my breath, cry. 

Now we are in the car, a cute little family traveling out of state to make magical Christmas memories.

I want to crawl in my bed.

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My heart is broken right now.